How to Keep a Conversation Going After a Match, And Why People Ghost.
We all experienced that many times. Getting an interesting match on OkCupid. we get a little exited about it, exchanging a few lines of chat, only to have the other person stop responding. It is frustrating, many articles have been written on it, blaming the screens and technology for ruining this generation. And they not all wrong.
But if you find yourself being ghosted most times after just a short exchange. We have to suggest a different explanation, and it is strikingly simple: YOU HAVE ZERO CONVERSATION SKILLS.
Why do people on dating sites disappear?
Usually people disappear when they feel “there is not enough chemistry”. This is not some kind of mysterious thing that either occur or not. When individuals say no-chemistry they actually just mean “The conversation requires too much effort”. It means they constantly have to come up with something interesting and creative to say, and this just feels like work and no fun.
Getting to know someone over text is hard. It requires energy, attention, thought, creativity, humour and much more. Many of us can’t do this after a long day at work. But this is what you need to put in to get to know someone new. Good conversations must be two-sided. If you put less effort, the other person needs to put more to keep it moving. If you put more effort, it will feel much easier for the other person to respond, so more chances they will. People do what feels easy after all.
People won’t tell you why they stopped responding. I mean, they can’t just tell a stranger person they talked 5 minutes with to up their conversation game. They can just assume you are not interested, or worse–that you are just very boring and untalkative. It’s not that we lost interest so quickly. It is not that we found someone better looking to chat with, but maybe we found someone who is more fun to communicate with. Usually, it is just that we got tired of having to keep finding up something new and interesting to say while receiving nothing in return.
If you’re being ghosted and unmatched often, even though you said nothing wrong. Here are the most common mistakes you might overlook, and what to do about them.
1. You don’t ask questions.
If you don’t ask the other person questions, they will assume you are just not interested in them, and they will go away.
It becomes worse if they are the only one asking and you answer them, so it seems like the conversation is going great, for you. You get asked stuff and easily can talk about yourself. They, on the other hand, just have to keep coming up with fresh topics and questions all the time, feeling you are not even interested in them.
Go to their profile, read about them, find something to ask about, and ask a question. If you have run out of stuff to say, just try to ask a random question. “What good movie have you seen lately?”, “what video game do you play at the moment?”, “what do you like to do for fun?” etc.
2. You only talk in one-liners.
Look at the colours of your chat window, does it look something like this?
Do you notice how the other person in grey is doing ALL the talking and contribute almost nothing at all? Why would you expect anyone to continue investing all this energy in you while you give them nothing in return? This individual can go and find someone more interesting to talk with, and quickly, they will.
Try to respond in about the same length as the other person is. Never speak in two-word answers. Responding in two words is literally killing the conversation, putting all the responsibility of finding something to say on the other person.
3. You ask horrible and annoying questions.
The worst type are known as “job interview questions”. Those are the closed-ended questions who give the other person nothing to say except a one-word answer, and they make them feel like you judge them with a checklist. Those include stuff like: “Do you own a car?”, “Do you live by yourself?”, “What do you work in?” etc.
Worse than that is asking a job interview question about something written in their profile. Don’t ask “How old are you?” or “Where do you live?” Those questions are really boring and the answer is written in their profile, so it appears to them you don’t pay minimal attention.
Another annoying type is all the “Not an actual question” genre. Those are stuff like: “so what are you telling?” or “What’s new?”. This is not an actual question. You just throw the responsibility of finding something interesting to say on the other person, instead of being creative yourself. Don’t be surprised if your match will just carry on because you are being too much work.
4. You ignore whatever the person told you.
This is weird but somewhat common. You asked the person a question, the other person written 4 sentences of text answering it. Then you just ignore it and ask another unrelated question.
Doing this will cause the other person to think “why should I answer the new question if they just ignored anything I said?”. So they won’t make that much effort again and will respond in two words instead, if any at all. Make sure to comment on what they said, preferably something of substance.
5. You ignore questions, or they have asked you several questions, and you answered only one of them.
It is known as one of the most annoying things someone can do. If someone asked you a question, they want to know the answer. Avoiding this will make them to feel ignored. And they won’t ask you again, because they feel that asking again is intrusive.
The most important rule: Don’t ignore when people ask you about meeting, moving to WhatsApp, talking on the phone and any other important step. If you ignore this kind of question, they will assume you don’t want to, and will never ask again. Be straightforward about it and read all their recent messages to make sure you didn’t miss it.
6. You are empty profile.
You want people to see you for your personality and not your looks? Well, give them a way to see your personality. Write something interesting. It is that simple.
The good thing about writing profiles – you only need to write it once. You don’t need to get innovative and interesting with everyone every time. So even if it is not your best day conversation-wise, your match will be willing to be more patient, since they know you have some awesome personality in there.
The basic formula
Here is the essential formula to have a decent chat.
- Comment on stuff the other person mentioned, in length and detail.
- Answer all the questions the other person asked. If you ignore questions they will notice, and they will get annoyed. Make sure to say something interesting so the other person can comment on and ask further questions.
- Ask a question. This lets the other person the easiest way to continue the conversation.
I know conversations can’t be just a formula. You can add humour, sarcasm, teasing, flirting and more. But if you see the conversation is dying out, this is the basis you should make sure is happening.
How to answer a closed-ended question.
So, even though you know now that you should always ask open-ended questions, not all people know that. Occasionally you need to help them out a little.
Let’s say they have asked you a closed question, like “What is the last show you watched on Netflix?”. Don’t just Say “the good place”, try to tell more. Say something about why you love that show, or what other shows you really liked to watch, or what your all-time favourite is. Give the other person something to respond on. And then ask them something related back, like “Have you watched any of these, what were you thinking about them?” or just the simple “What did you watched lately?”.
I say this a lot on Social media and other forums, and I hear plenty of excuses and reasons for why not doing this. Those are few of the most common. If you find yourself saying them, think if that kind of mentality helps you to get great dates or does its just holds you back, confused, with no matches in sight.
“But this is very hard “. You know what? It is hard. It is hard for everyone. The person you talk with that keeps coming up with questions and something to tell you? That person is working really hard. And you are making them the only one who work.
This is the sole difference between you and them. They are willing to do the hard work, while you are being passive and complaining about how the world is unfair to you. This person will go away to talk with some else that reciprocates their effort. You know what you will do if you keep acting like this? All the interesting people will go away, and the only individuals that will continue talking to you are the same as you – people who put zero effort in keeping the conversation alive. And even them eventually will fade away. You won’t get dates if you won’t put the effort. So stop wasting everyone’s time and do the work.
No one reads profiles anyway. But people do. You are just plain wrong. Let’s make it really simple – if you write nothing on your profile, no one can read it.
People frequently say something like “I wrote a long profile and people still asked me questions on stuff written there proving NO ONE reads it”. Well, alright, some individuals don’t read profiles. But many people do. There are hundreds and thousands of people in each group. Guess which of them are more serious about getting to know you and starting a relationship? So why would you want to put a blank profile so merely the ones who don’t read will contact you?
“I am being mysterious”. No you are not. Nobody thinks that, they assume you are boring and have zero personality. Stop trying to be mysterious and start trying to be interesting and fun.
What to expect after you’ve mastered these methods?
The good part – you are going to have better conversations. people will be more engaged and will not disappear as often. People will also be much more prone and happier to arrange dates with you.
The bad part – You are going to match with so many individuals who just don’t put in the effort at all. Just like you used to. And you will get frustrated by them. From my experience, about half the people just won’t put the effort. It will get really annoying to work so hard merely to have a one-sided chat with them. Unfortunately, I have not found a solution yet on how to talk with these people, maybe link them this article. We suggest just to focus on the people who do actively engage with you.
Remember, this article is only about the absolute fundamentals of having a conversation – effort and care. There is plenty more to learn about how to be interesting, funny, engaging, attractive and charming. Don’t get discouraged, If you dedicated to practice and learning further, you will become better overtime.